Hateful, Party of One

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I would rather...

I've cut back immensely on my drinking lately. I still go out for a drink once in a while but i'm not overdoing it like i used to. I've been asked by a number of people why I've done that and my response is "I would rather be in shape and muscular than drunk."

Weight loss continues. About one month until gay days.

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Biggest Loser: Luxury Day

A few weeks ago I had my proposal defense. I had decided long ago that i would reward myself with a tatoo. Now I'm running into the problem of scheduling it. For me to get it, I know that I would have to sacrifice a couple days at the gym and I just can't bring myself to do it.

On the biggest loser, every so often the prize of a challenge is a luxury day. A day of pampering, a good meal, relaxation. But anyone who has watched the show for at least a full season knows this is the worst prize. It takes the winners away from the gym and then they eat horribly, leaving the trainer to yell at them.

With the summer almost here, I feel as if I am in crunch time and can't take time off for a tatoo until I hit my goal weight. Maybe thats what I should reward myself with. But for now I can't get a tatoo and miss the gym for 3-5 days.

Monday, April 13, 2009

reflections on death

When my grandfather passed away in 2002, I cried. I didnt cry because death was a bad thing. I cried for fear that he thought my recent move out of Florida was to get away from him. It sounds rather trite, not to cry because I was upset about his passing. My prized possession to this day are two unvarnished bookcases that he built when I was younger for my sister and I. It feels wrong to varnish them. In truth, I thought he was going to die ten years earlier when he fell incredibly ill. That was the beginning of his health decline. I wasn't surprised when he passed away, but i worried that he thought I was trying to get away from him, which just wasn't the case.

When my great aunt passed away, I was proud of her and relieved. Her health had seriously declined over the past couple of years and she was living in a nursing home and the last time I saw her, she didn't seem to recognize me, but told my grandmother two days later that I had come to visit. This happened right around the time of Terri Schiavo and it resonated about the selection of a death with dignity. My great aunt decided she had had enough and said she wasn't going to eat anymore and fourteen days later she passed away, essentially starving herself. I took a little bit of pride that she lasted longer than Terry Schiavo, which means that my great aunt was stronger.

But in both cases, I feel I was prepared for their deaths. They were, after all, old. And old people die. That's the mentality. It sounds kind of harsh to write it, but its kind of true. I have had to deal with younger death before... and then there was Shaun, who didn't die, but will never be the same.

Since December, death has now affected me twice from a much younger perspective and has caused me to consider how truly random our mortality can be. First, a friend of mine was murdered shortly before Christmas. A very violent episode that broke my heart and left me an emotional mess for a couple of weeks. It wasn't that we were exceptionally close, but it was someone that I saw regularly. It struck me as horribly odd that I would no longer see him out and about. It also struck me the possibility that it could have been me. Even though I normally wouldn't have gone to that part of town nor been up that late, so many of my friends have been mugged that it could have easily been me in that situation. But the violent nature of it made me feel that a life was robbed. More than a non-violent death

And now, a friend from high school, died this past weekend... drowned in Africa. I think how random it was. Why him, why there, why now? It seemed that he had gotten his life together and that's when his life ended. I'm saddened by his death and it does make me think that I could have been dead by any number of means. He was younger than I was... and he really is the first person younger than me that I've known that has died.I feel more at peace over this death than the last one. Maybe its because it seemed more natural than being murdered. Maybe its because I haven't really seen him since we were in high school together and that type of distance can lower the emotional impact.

But as tragedy hits, these are the thoughts I've had.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Work Update

So this Friday will be my 5 month anniversary on the new job. Its definitely going better than it was at the beginning. There are some smaller projects keeping me busy, but nothing that busy. I've integrated nicely to the people in my office and they seem to enjoy me. However, as I finish with my doctorate, I'm not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. So I still find myself looking at jobs and completely unsure of what to do when I finish my degree.

Thoughts?

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Monday, April 06, 2009

School Update

So I have had a lot going on lately. So I will take a couple days to update. Todays update school. I've made a ton of progress lately. The biggest is about two weeks ago, I had my proposal defense. For those unfamiliar with the dissertation process, the proposal defense is the harder of the two defenses a student goes through. The proposal is the first three chapters of the dissertation, which sets up the purpose, need, and way an individual will conduct their study. I expected that the committee would give me some revisions that they needed to be done before signing off on the form for me to move forward, but they didn't. I passed with flying colors :) They did have revisions but nothing needed before the final defense. So I am able to move on with my process.

The next step is going through IRB approval, which is the point where the school examines the study and ensures that proper protections are included to protect the safety and anonymity of the participants in the study. It took me about a week and a half to fill out the paperwork. It got sent to the IRB office and then I find out Friday afternoon that I do not need IRB approval since I am not having any interaction with individuals. That would've been nice to know two weeks ago. Now I'm waiting for the dean to give me permission to move ahead.

Unfortunately I have a really tight deadline. For me to get my data this month, I need to send my proposal request to UCLA no later than Wednesday. So I need to hear back from her by that point or I have to wait until May, which would not make me happy at all :(. Keep your fingers crossed for that.

In other news, I had applied for another grant (making two in total) to cover dissertation expenses. I was turned down, which upset me a bit. I feel like I'd be great in the faculty route, but every thing i try which would prepare me for that route seems to not go my way. Grants not going my way. I still haven't heard about publications I submitted etc etc. In the grand scheme of things, the data shouldn't be that expensive, but its difficult enough to break into teaching as it is.

So all in all frustrations are there, but I am making steady progress. Dr. Filter here I come.

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