birthday continued...

Well things were good for the rest of my birthday. A lot of people showed up. It was a welcome feeling, right after not taking a new job, that so many people cared to show up and wish me well. It was definately welcome and I appreciate the number of people who came to show me their love. So for all of them, thank you so much.

And the good news, I was able to put off my bad mood for the entirety of my party. I've been so moody over the past two weeks. I have no real idea and its much longer than my time of the month usually lasts, so this seems to be more long term. I guess I need some sort of a shake up. TO some extent, I just want to shut myself off from everyone for a couple of weeks until I get this out of my system. I dont like being around people at all.

Part of it is that I'm tried of trying to do the gay thing. It seems that being gay is the most competitive thing humanly possible and I'm tired of trying to be that competitive. Here are two examples: One guy that I met relatively recently. Cute enough guy, but within one two hour conversation I knew we'd be a horrible match. I am outgoing and more extroverted, he's incredibly introverted. I talk all the time about myself. He never does unless you ask specific questions. I like going out. But in the course of conversation, I got the serious impression that he didn't have many friends in the DC metropolitan area. So I invited him out twice with me AND A GROUP OF PEOPLE. Never ever was it solo nor was it intended to actually be dates. So how come he mentioned to someone that he just doesn't want to date right now (meaning about me). Now other than the whole "He's just not that into you" philosophy that says that what he means is he's not wanting to date me right now, not just date... but why is it that men feel the need to reject me in advance from actually pursuing or asking out? Am I doing something horribly wrong? Are gay guys just never nice without sex being involved? But enough about that fucker.

The next story shows how I just can't compete with them at all. At some point towards the end of my party on Friday... a guy started talking to my group that I didn't know so we started talking to him and he explained to us his connection to our group as one of the members of the group "gave him his first road head." Excellent.... but (and this happens with the boy sitting on my lap--- and without me having even 5 minutes to try and flirt) another unmentioned friend has his hand on the guy's crotch. Jesus, I didn't even have a moment to process the situation, much less attempt to pursue before I was blocked on the front. I just can't compete that seriously in the gay dating/ pickup pool. So maybe I should start dating women. It seems like it would be a lot easier.

In a boy non-related movement, it took my father three days after my birthday to call and wish me a happy birthday (which means that my grandmother didn't remind him until that point) but then tells me I need to stop by next time i'm in town even if its for a conference. Ummm I don't think you can give me those ultimatums when you forgot my birthday.